Blog

March 9, 2020

Taking Each Day as it Comes

     This week, as always, has brought more ups and downs, uncertainties and facts.   All of it has led me to consider how we can replace fear with faith and stay in today, stay in the now.   How we can learn to “roll with the punches”?  I’ve mentioned my very awesome sponsee who had thirty years clean on the 2^nd of this month and that her mother passed the next day, her grandson had serious surgery and we had her best friend, that she has not seen in 14 years flown in to surprise her! Then, last night, she had a surprise party with a bunch of her closest friends.  Lots of ups and downs right there!  Yet, she has handled it all with confidence, acceptance, grace and love.  What a gift for me to know someone so special. 

     As the week progressed, I found myself frustrated with the way I have to communicate with my grandson’s teacher.  The schools are pretty much like fortresses and it’s so difficult to get in and to talk to a teacher. I do understand why. Still, messages and calls are delayed and the communication is so difficult. I worry about his education, his grades and the state testing.  He is a very bright, sweet boy and I just want the best for him

      I ended up telling his current teacher, who is a wonderful lady and great teacher, how frustrated I was. Because he is still failing math tests and we’ve been working so hard.  Basically, she said “oh well”.  I wasn’t very happy about the whole deal; I was very bitchy and on edge and ended up yelling at my husband for telling me what time it was when he thought I should be leaving my house to go babysit my great grandson instead of venting on the phone to my BFF about my grandsons education.

     I had to step back and look at why I was so stressed about my grandson’s education, about his life, why wasn’t I trusting God, why wasn’t I trusting the process?  When I know I’ve done all I can do, all that is humanly possible, why do I think I can override the results and make it all better or different?   I can’t!  No matter how bad I want this little boy to succeed, no matter how bad I want to protect him, I can only do so much and must leave the rest up to God!

     Therefore, when I got to my grandson’s house and seen him, my other fears begin to melt away.  Even though this kid is my grandson, so much younger than me, he has a confidence, an air of blessedness that he’s always had and it seems to have a calming effect on me without even trying.  He knew nothing of my melt down just before I left my house to go there, he only knew his grandmother was there to help and assist with his baby so he could go to school and become a doctor. J  All I can do when I see this kid is smile. I never want him to see me stressed or agitated, if I can at all help it.   And then there’s his cute, sweet precious baby, When the baby woke up, a world of stress melted away.  My sister always used to say “kids help you get out of yourself” and yes, this is so true, especially when they are your grandkids!  This sweet little baby and his precious smiles just ease my stress away.  He is so adorable.

     Then when I left there, I went by to see my sweet, courageous friend who is in her last days on this planet. Ahhhh, Lord, this is hard stuff.  After I got home, fixed dinner and ran to my homegroup, the soothing candle light meeting was just what I needed, lots of hope and recovery and hearing that others are also working on life on life’s terms without the use of drugs.  These are my hero’s. Some shared their pain of what is going on in their lives and suddenly my issues were not that big a deal.  God’s got this.  For all of us, if we’d just let go. 

     As the week progressed, I ended up with a bad case of food poisoning.  I was half worried it was the Coronavirus, but not really. Nevertheless, it was not any fun, and I had to go to my dermatologist to get biopsy’s and have stuff frozen off of me.  I’m use to that, but it’s a 40-mile drive and I was pretty sick, I didn’t want to be too far from a rest room.  Lol . That was all a little stressful and then we came back and I picked up my lab order and went to the lab to prep for my upcoming brain surgery.  Thank goodness for Imodium AD! Later that night I was puking my guts out, not a fun day! 

     And then, the next day, whoop, there I was, cleaning house, mopping, getting ready for my girls’ big party!  And off we went!  It was a beautiful celebration. I took a newcomer with us and she got to talk to my sponsor – in fact, quite a bit! Lol.  But it was a great evening. 

     When we got home, I worked on my online class assignments and grading.  The class is done now and I will be turning in grades tomorrow.  Except for the one student who said she birthed twins a couple days ago and hasn’t had time to do the lessons this week! Lol I feel like giving her an A just for having twins! That’s no easy feat.   My daughter had twins and I’ve seen the struggles up close, so I get it.

     Saturday was a bust, just chill’d, a much needed chill.  My grandson is spending more and more time with his dad and his dad’s girlfriend and her kids.  I feel like it’s a good thing, but I’m super cautious and pray that he does not let this little boy down one more time!  Time will tell, again, I have no control and cannot fix everyone or anyone.  I am praying for the best for everybody, but mostly for this little boy’s sake. I am as careful with this situation as can be, while at the same time allowing for wrongs to be righted, for hurts to be healed and for my son to show he can be a better dad.  I’ve never doubted his love for his son, but we all know that addiction just don’t care! And the kids are way too often the victim.    

     Sunday, oh man, they changed the time on us again.  Ugh!  Something else I’m powerless over. But we made it to church, I was late. Afterward we got ready for our friends going away party.  A lot of people came because they are so well loved and been around us all for a long, long time.  I’m feeling sad as I write this, I love them both, but she has a been a part of my recovery and inner circle for quite a while, like twenty some years.  I wish them the best and I applaud their courage and strength to pack up and leave everything they know and start a new life on the other side of the country! Wow!  It was great however to go be around so many old and new friends again today.  There are a few of us who’ve been around a while, we tend to huddle together, on a comfy sofa.  Lol.  Talk about our aches and pains and life in general. Good stuff, it’s sort of melancholy.

     This is now my posting day and one more note before I wind this up.  Today is two years since my kid’s dad died.  He died from the disease of addiction.  They say an addict dies every three minutes, and in a million ways. OD, suicide, car accidents, homelessness and the elements kill them, HIV, liver, kidney, heart disease and so on.  He had Hep C, liver cancer, a very bad heart and he’d had a triple bypass and still… he continued to use and live like refugee!  By choice! We 12-stepped him so many times, my husband and I had taken him in many times, took him to meetings, treatment and tried to do what we could to carry the message.  He’d be clean once in a while, here and there for a minute.  I believe he had too much fear and pain, like my sister did.  Sometimes, they just can’t get down to it and get honest and stay clean.  If it were easy- everyone would be doing it.  This is why my girl having 30 years clean, or the newcomer coming along to participate in the joy of recovery is nothing short of marvelous and miraculous. This is why we applaud and celebrate these victories. 

     One of the saddest things about my ex’s death is that there has never been a service for him.  I did not want to throw a party for him because all the addicts in this town would’ve come!  I wasn’t going to host a party and food for them.  My son was way out there … way out there!  My poor little girl handled the cremation and all of the details herself. Even in death, the addiction still leaves pain and scars for the kids to deal with, their legacy continues. But it does not have to be that way. It’s been quite a week I tell ya.

     So what’s the bottom line here this week?  As our literature says, “a lot happens in one day (also week/month/year/life) both good and bad…

“A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we do not take time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow. Our principles for living will guide us in recovery when we use them. We find it necessary to continue to do so on a daily basis.”   NA literature, Just for Today

This is NA Fellowship-approved literature. Copyright © 1983 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.

You find this at na.org under the literature tab.

     So, there ya go.  It’s life, up and down, this and that, good feelings, bad feelings, good news, bad news.  People, jobs, cars, thoughts, come and go.  The best way I’ve been able to deal with any of this is to Let go and let God.  And to live just for today, stay in the now, no matter what life is throwing at you.  Death, children’s schooling, fights with spouses or good friends.  Celebrations, accomplishments and defeats.   Life on life’s terms!  What a great relief to know that I don’t have to do it alone or all at once.  I don’t have to figure everything out or fix everything or anyone.  Wow! Cool!  Just let go!  And just do that one day at a time.  I often need to hear that and to hear that it’s ok to chill. Not to do a bunch of stuff in a day, which is what I’m used to.

      When I first got clean I had to strive for the gumption to just get one thing done.  I could not hardly function.  Now, I have to work to only do a couple of things and let go of what I don’t get to.  Wow!  What a change! As always, I’m striving for that balance in whatever stage of life I’m in. 

Question of the week:   Are you living just one day at a time?  Just for today?  What does that look like compared to not living just for today?

     Tell yourself: Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs. Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. Just for today, through NA, I will try to get a better perspective on my life. Just for today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life.  So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.