Blog

May 2nd, 2020

Masks

      Last year at the end of April I went to a Women’s convention in New Orleans. Of course, we all know that the Big Easy is the home of Mardi Gras and therefore as with every convention there is a theme, and this one was called “When the Mask Goes, A Miracle Happens”.    There was a masquerade ball on Saturday night after such a great speaker meeting.  Everybody dressed up like they were at a Mardi Gras Masquerade.  It was so colorful and a lot of fun. We all had the coolest masks.

     I flew to New Orleans with one of my sweet sponsees and we met up with two other friends there in New Orleans.  We had a great time and there were some ups and downs as a tornado was coming into the area as our plane landed!  We shared an Uber van with a bunch of ladies from Las Vegas and a couple of days later ended up running into them again at a restaurant and had dinner with them all and we had our own impromptu meeting with just us, it was awesome as was the food!

     In that same restaurant I ran into an old friend who I got clean with back in 1985 here in So Cal. She has a year more than me and has moved to Virginia, running into her was such a huge blessing for me.  I also got to sit with a sister in recovery at a workshop meeting, she too is from Cali and we have the same sponsor.  I brought back a lot of memories and good recovery with me. I still cherish that adventure with these awesome ladies.

     Yet, as I said, the theme was “When the Mask goes…”.  That is an obvious statement for those of us in recovery, we need to learn who WE really are.  Our steps are a wonderful process for this transformation to occur.  For me, it has worked, and worked again,  every time I go through the steps, and I still continue to work on my steps, I uncover and discover new information about myself.  Because we are ever changing and ever evolving into a new and better us.  I totally encourage people in recovery to continue to work their steps over and over again, all of your life.  Because life keeps going and we keep changing. 

     So what got me to thinking about masks?  Well, duh, – now we’ve all been told to put a mask on.  People are making masks right and left and we are getting use to just seeing people with their masks on, it’s become the norm.  What is strange now, is when we see someone without a mask on.  They are not allowed in stores at this time, not in my state.  So here we are, masks on and hiding behind the fear of why we’re wearing them.  Still, there are some people, some of my own relatives, who refuse to wear them because they think it’s a violation of their rights or they just plain don’t think the Covid19 will get them or hurt them if they do. 

     It was kinda like for me in my active addiction, wearing a mask that covered my fear, my pain, dereliction and shame.  My mask was not visible and certainly not all cute or designer styles, yet, my mask was not transparent either.  I’d put on a smile or a look that said, “stand back, stay away from me”, I did not want to get too close to people, especially if they were not in my party circle, which was a very small circle of just dealers and a couple of trusted people I used with.

    I think my sister and my niece, two of the people that were closest to me when we were using together, I think they knew.  I certainly knew about their pains and fears and shame.  We were living it together.  But even then, we were so loaded most of the time that we weren’t being entirely real and honest with each other. Not that I didn’t want to, it just didn’t matter, my feelings did not matter, the drugs mattered.

     After I got clean and started working the steps, sharing my feelings with a sponsor and with friends in recovery, my mask started disintegrating, little by little.  Thank God! 

     And now, here we are, having to wear masks.  Still, you and I both know that these “protective” masks are nothing like the fake masks we wore in our addiction.  I was in Home Depot the other morning and seen a friend from High School, I said “Hi Sally, how ya do’n?”  She said hi back, that she was fine.  I said, “it’s funny how we can still recognize each other with these masks on”.  She said, “it’s the eyes”.   As I think about that comment, I know she’s right.  Our eyes are the window to our souls, and they speak volumes even if we never say a word.  That is where you can really spot someone who is trying to hide behind a mask of pain, fear and shame.  Something we know all too well and; therefore, we can easily spot it in others, even on Zoom!

     So, just like all the advice on the Corona Virus the message is mixed, or is it?  Wear your masks, save a life.  Take off your mask and save yourself.  Humm, that’s deep eh?  Or confusing.  I hope you all get it though.   Just be well, take care of you and your people and do not forget to keep working your program, we don’t get any time outs on that, it’s still patiently waiting to kill us, even in quarantine, When the masks come off, a miracle happens!  Just be you. 

With lots and love and blessings my friends.  BTW- today is day 46 as I write this, just say’n, we’re gonna make it!

Question of the Week:  Are you wearing your mask?