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Tolerance!

June 22, 2020

     Well, this was not at all the topic I had started with this week, but life took a sudden turn on me.  Maybe not too sudden, but unexpected for the occasion.  Yesterday was Father’s Day and I wanted to talk about dads. It was also our 35^th wedding anniversary. 

     I woke up yesterday and started writing my Morning Pages and so much emotions poured out of me, so unexpected.  I ended up calling a friend who cares about me and my recovery. One of my main thoughts was this is exactly why I used drugs and drank so much. Because I was having a hard time handling my emotions, they just poured out.  I still have a headache from crying.

     I was feeling many different feelings about family and life.  For some strange reason, the fact that I’ve never known my dad hit me hard yesterday morning.  I have worked pass this issue and for the most part, I have just let it go. So, when it came up yesterday because of Father’s Day I was overwhelmed with feelings. Then there were feelings about my son, my daughter and the loss of their dad.  Whom, was never really there for them anyway, but still, they miss him at times like these. 

     Then there was my own Love of 35 years of wedlock, but 39 years of cohabitating.  He is not well, and he’s getting older, he has a few medical issues and we had a conversation with his doctor today.  In the very near future there will be big decisions to make.  So, all that to say, he is not his happy, easy going self these days.  Some things were said and since I was already hanging on by a thread I didn’t do well with our conversation. I snapped. 

     The best thing for me to do at such a low tolerance level at the state I was in, is to leave.  So, we spent most of our 35^th anniversary apart.  He went to his daughters Father’s Day BBQ and I took my son and grandson to a nice lunch and spent time with them.  Looking back, I pretty much did the right thing.  I did say a few words I shouldn’t have and slammed a door to the bathroom.

     I prayed in the shower and while I got ready to go. It was a good cooling down time.  Sometimes I need to pull back from a situation, a conversation, a place and cool my jets.  Go off and talk to God, to a friend or self-talk.  Sometimes self-talk works, but sometimes in the heat of a moment, I’m not my best advisor. That just sounds crazy.

     I learned early in recovery to watch when my tolerance levels were dropping. One way I use to know I was becoming intolerant was in traffic.  Need I say more?  Then there is the rolling of the eyes, snapping back, a lot more sarcasm, slamming a door, huffing and puffing and just plain yelling.  These are tell tale signs and if I start doing it on a regular basis an alarm goes off in my head that says it’s time to HALT, it’s time to stop, breath, pray, mediate, get on the treadmill, turn the music up, call my sponsor or a friend and I write… a lot. When I write like that, I’m talking to God.

     After the writing, prayer and a good talk with someone who cares about me and my recovery, I look at what step/s might apply.   There is always a step/s that will apply to any and every situation.  I was told that when I was new and it’s still true and always proven right. 

     So, just for today, I am utilizing all those tools.  I am just chill’n staying cool under the cooler, it’s 104 right now!  Watching fun movies, texting and talking to some good friends and family.  The biggest thing, check myself, remind myself of all my blessings and get back into gratitude.  These are the things that brings tolerance level back up.  Just letting the world be the world and I’ll be me.  Question of the Week:  How’s your tolerance doing?