July 27, 2020, Blog.
Wreckage of our past:
Ya know, this was gonna be my topic this week due to all the cleaning and purging we are doing in our sheds and all the memories and junk we’re finding. But then, today, when my son came over and ended yelling and screaming at me because I didn’t understand something and because he was coming down, I lost sight of what I was really wanting to do today.
When I am faced with the insanity of the disease like that from one of my own, and I’m face to face with it. I mean right up in my face, yelling at me. There, right there is my disease looking right back at me. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not ok with any of this, with his behavior or his using. Not one bit, but yet, at the same time it’s like they say, “he came by it honestly”. He really didn’t stand much of a chance with two addict parents and addiction all around him.
Yet, he’s had at least one parent, me, clean for thirty -five years. I got clean when he was twelve, so he got to see us living clean for the rest of his growing up at home time. Plus, all these years after, he’s been to treatment about four times, lots of meetings, stayed clean nearly five years. So, he knows about it, and still, it’s a struggle for him and when he acts out like today, it’s a struggle for me too. That… That is the wreckage of my past.
When I think back into my using days, I feel so much shame and often guilt. I have tried to live better, do better and be better in my recovery and by working the steps and living the program I have built a very different life than the way it was, therefore, I do not really have a lot of guilt anymore. But the shame can sweep over me easily when I think of certain incidents and times in my life.
Over my years clean I continued to work the steps repeatedly. I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve been through them (some are sicker than others), and each time I do, my pain, guilt and fears lessen and lessen. I continue to Let go and Let God as my bottom line. As my sister Susie use to say, “thank God for God”. Boy ain’t that the truth!
All I know is, I can’t keep hanging onto the pain and guilt of the past, I can’t keep hanging on to all that stuff in my shed, and man, there’s a lot of it! I don’t want to live like that, not all cluttered in my life and home, not all cluttered in my spirit and mind. The only way I know to not do that is to “clean house”. The steps help me clean my mind, spirit and emotions out, and house work/yard work helps me clear out the cluttered of forty years of life here.
Question of the Week: Are you holding onto any old wreckage? Does some of it come back from time to time to aggravate you? Like a using child (adult child).
How do you plan to get rid of or deal with your wreckage?