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My Blog for April 5^th

Hope Springs Eternal!

     What a great week I’m having!  I’ve been celebrating my thirty- six years clean and getting to see people, come up out of this dark hole we’ve been hunkered down in for a year!  I am feeling free, happy and awakened!  Is it because it’s my clean time birthday? Is it because of the weather? Or is it because Spring has sprung and the leaves are turning green on the trees and plants are blooming, birds are chirping? Is it because it’s Easter? Is it because I’ve been getting a whole bunch of hugs? Is it because I finally went to a live meeting with real people?  Is it because I got to spend one on one time with one of my sponsees that I love more than anything? Is it because I had a spiritual awakening as a result of the first paragraph on page 255 of the Living Clean book from Narcotics Anonymous?  Is it because we’re going on vacation this week? Is it because my grandson got three awards in the mail and his hard work is paying off? Is it because I know that I’ll see Cindy again? Is it because I’m planning a big trip where I’ll get to spend nearly a week with some sponsees on a beautiful lake? 

     My cup runneth over right now, and for that I am so grateful.  You see, I was the epitome of the unhappy person in the first paragraph on page 255.  This is the last couple pages of the book, Living Clean, the journey continues , and it talks about how some of us (me) never quite give ourselves permission to be happy, oh man, that’s me!  Because I think, how can I be happy when my son is in his addiction and living like a refugee? How can I be happy when a virus is running lose in the world taking people out left and right, including good friends of ours.  How can I be happy when there’s so much political unrest and hate, discontent and godlessness?  Who could ever be happy amidst all that sorrow?  My friends are dying left and right, my beautiful sister has dementia and we have other kids that won’t even talk to us.  Some of them cannot stand it that we are clean and in recovery. 

     Well, I’ll tell you how, read that paragraph, heck, read that book, so much eye opening, aha stuff in there.  But my biggest aha was top of 255.  It’s ok to be happy! In fact, it’s egotistical not to be!  They likened it to a Spiritual principal. I feel as if this is true.  It tells us “Our ability to enjoy our lives is directly related to our willingness to let go of our self-obsession. If we think of happiness as a spiritual asset, we can see it as both a gift and a goal. We work toward it by letting go of those things that we can see standing in its way and leave the rest to a power greater than ourselves. Humility and empathy are essential to a rewarding spiritual life.”   Wow!  There is more, but I’ll stop there, you can read the rest on your own. 

     See, my self-obsession is about my son, my family and friends that don’t answer messages, it’s about what I have or don’t have, my weight, the list goes on.  The things I have to let go of is all that the whole thought of “omg, the world is a sad, painful place”.  It’s not that I keep those thoughts at the forefront of my mind, it’s just that I watch the news and I hear of family and friends in pain and need.  I totally understand my powerlessness, but I still feel sad for others.  This pandemic really brought it on.

     I recognize that I have empathy, but I might carry it a bit too far by letting the world own me. LOL, it’s ridiculous! I remember sharing when I was much newer that I felt so much guilt I thought I was responsible for the Vietnam war! Or least responsible for not stopping it.  I took JFK’s words to heart, “ask not what your country can do for you, ask what YOU can do for your county”. I was sure he was talking to me. 

     I called my sponsor and shared my new found spiritual awakening with her, I told her that I always have gratitude, contentment and a deep joy within me, but I’m not always happy. There is a shadow of grief and sadness that hangs over me.  I told her, I’ve even been to the happiest place on earth and not felt all that happy. I just do it for the kids.  I can enjoy Disneyland in parts with them, it gives me joy to see the kids having fun, but for me, not so much happiness there for me.  She said she is a happy person, but doesn’t like going there either.  Lol

     I can clearly see now the ego in all that, the whole idea that God wasn’t doing His job, so maybe I need to step in! lol How crazy is that?   This new insight is offering me freedom AND happiness.  Wow!    

     Well, I gotta finish my packing and go on a little vacation with my husband, son and grandson, what a blessing.  I am happy, and now here’s the skeptic in me, I hope I can say that by the time we get back home! Lol.  Just kidding, my happiness is up to me, I can make the decision to be happy, joyous and free or, sad, miserable and indifferent.  I choose happy because hope does indeed spring eternal. God bless you all.

Question of the week:  Are you happy?