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My Blog for May 3^rd

      So, I spent last Monday and Tuesday with my nieces and nephews at my sister’s house, she was slipping away as the family gathered.  My older sister was there also. We hung out, talked, reminisced, laughed, cried and held onto each other and cooked.  I made a big spaghetti dinner and we ate and took care of each other. Everyone pitched in as we rallied around my sister’s passing from earth to heaven.

     So it was, on Tuesday morning about 12:30 am, she passed into her reward, the next life.  She is free.  She is whole and happy.  I know this about her and I am grateful.  Don’t get me wrong, I miss her something terrible, I’ve been missing her for the last four years as we watched Dementia take over and take away her.  It was horrible to watch.  I’ve seen it happen before with my mother-in-law, worse thing I can think of.   Not to be able to recognize your children, your family.  Heartbreaking.

     And yet, as I write those words, I think of all the times I took drugs, went off and partied and left my babies and family behind.  Yes, I was wasting my life, time and love. The love that I should’ve been pouring onto my family pouring instead of into strangers.   I can’t change the past, but I found out thirty-six years ago that I could change how I was behaving and move forward with a full heart, humbled and loving towards my family. 

          I can’t tell you how grateful I am to God and my twelve- step program for the life I have today. To be able to be present, to be there, really be there for my family in a meaningful way. That means everything to me. What a gift. 

     All I had to do to get to this point was to surrender.  Surrender everything and let go of the hold that drugs, occult and idiots had on me.  Way easier said than done, especially considering I thought I was so smart.  Hip, slick and cool, that was my creed, that was my code. Never let them see you sweat. And my all-time fav, you gotta know your abc’s.  Always Be Cool. 

       There it is, stuck in a life that had me fooled, a life that lied to me, a life that pulled me from the very people who really cared for me the most. People like my sister Judy.  I am not sitting here feeling sorry and I have no regrets, because I had approximately thirty years of recovery with my sister actively in my life, what a miracle that is!  I made my amends and lived a life I hope she was proud of.  In fact, she did indeed tell me she was proud me, and THAT holds a lot of weight with me.  I love her so much.

    What a week it has been, tonight I have my beautiful niece and her daughter, my great niece, staying with me, and I’m so happy about that.  They are precious to me, she lives up north and has come down to see everyone, get hugs and give hugs.  This girl has been so precious and so important to me all of her life.  Her mom was my sister Susie and she went to heaven in 1998. 

     I am happy to think of my sisters together again, in heaven, in the Lord’s presence. Just where they want to be.  One day, I will be there with them, what a joyous reunion we will have. But for now, we will all carry on, I will love her children as I’ve always done, but give more attention to them in this next year. Family is so important. When so many others have left us by the way side, family is always there, maybe we need to make amends first, maybe we need to be clean awhile and change our life style before they believe we are for real, but they will come around if we stay clean and if we’re sincere.

Question of the Week: If you are clean, are you making a living amends with your family? Are you reuniting and beginning healthier relationships in recovery? 

If not, try getting clean, try prayer, try letting go and letting God.