Blog for November 15th, 2021
This week has certainly had its ups and downs. Between the MRA’s, labs and a little boy that is extremely resistant to chores and having to do something besides video games. Not to mention a bit of remodeling going on here, well, new flooring is all. Still, it’s been busy and emotional.
I had moments this last week where I just wanted to throw in the towel, I felt like crying and quitting. I hate that I’m claustrophobic. It does not “align” with my bad-ass mentality that I came into recovery with. I thought I was invincible and could do anything I wanted- almost.
Having unreasonable fears was something I worked on in early recovery. I had a lot of anxiety when I got clean, I was afraid of so many things, so unsure of myself. I wasn’t at all that “go anywhere, do anything girl” I was when I was using.
I had a sponsor back then that told me about visualization, deep breathing and positive thoughts. It sounds corny and simple, but I actually applied it and it worked. I would pray and do an eleventh step: praying for the knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry it out. Corny, but it worked.
That was about thirty-five years ago and I still do it to this day. My sister gave me a little prayer also, to use it in times of stress and anxiety and I gladly share it with you now. “Lord, please heal my mind, body & spirit”. No, it’s not new, fancy or special. In fact, for me, it’s perfect in its simplicity.
As the week went on, I kept on keeping on. The good news is, the MRA’s are done and over for another year and a half! The lab work is almost all done. The floor is done in one room, and we’re getting ready to do the living room this week. And the biggest and most important of all of this week’s issues, my little grandson. He ended up staying a night with my daughter and her family because of my medical tests. Which, was a good thing for all concerned.
He got a much-needed break from me/us and got to play with his cousins and while he was there his auntie had a talk with him. His sister also called and talked to him as well. He is feeling better, doing better and we even had his cousin over last night and went to the drive-in.
The thing is, how long until the next episode? Do I walk on egg-shells to keep a child from flipping out? How do I balance this? The only answer I actually come up with is, pray constantly and live one day at a time. Never give up and stay with the plan.
The plan? Well, it goes something like this, 1. Stay clean no matter what. 2. Pray without ceasing. 3. Raise this sweet boy until he is 18. 4. Let go & let God. That’s it, that’s all I’ve got.
As I get ready to post this today I must tell you that in our zoom meeting this morning the topic was from the Just for Today, “Let go and Let God”. Perfect, eh? I really needed to hear that. I need to keep letting God. Life is not perfect, never will be. I’m just trying to navigate through it as best I can. How about you?
Question of the Week: Do you have a special prayer or mantra you say when stressed, sad or defeated?