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Blog for February 7, 2022

Instincts- part one.

     I’m going to attempt a discussion that may be a bit difficult to explain, so I’ll just spit it right out.  When I think of my life, which is me, my husband and grandson. My kids and family and family and friends.  My home and bills and money, the things that God has laid on me to be responsible for, I feel like things are as copacetic as possible. Yet, I have a feeling. An underlying feeling about some things. About some relationships.

     It’s a bit unsettling, a bit painful, a bit hard to explain.  Do you ever get that? I don’t mean to go looking for trouble, but I feel there are things amiss in certain situations and relationships.  I also feel like God has given me this “gut” feeling, an intuition that I’ve had all of my life and if I take heed and trust it, then I fair way better in circumstances than I would have if I was to ignore it. In fact, I have ignored it before and told myself “oh girl, you’re crazy, everything is fine, everything is copacetic.”

     When I haven’t trusted those instincts, I have lived to regret it.  Then on the other hand, I can only go as far as others are willing to let me.  What I mean by that is: If I feel like a friend or person has a problem with me and is angry at me or just plain don’t like me, I can feel it of course, I think we all can. But if I ask them if I’ve done something to upset them and they say no, then the whole thing is dead in the water.

      Still, if it really bothers me and if they are important to me, I will ask them what’s up.  But I have found that the problem lies in the fact that they are not able or willing to tell me.  They either don’t want our differences resolved or it’s something they haven’t really identified.  Or maybe they just don’t want to deal with it, or with me, therefore they say “oh no, everything is fine”. So, if people are not willing to get honest with me, with themselves or care enough to resolve our issues, then my nudging feeling never goes away. 

     I have tried to remember before my recovery how I dealt with people like that.  As far as I remember I either called them on it right on the spot and not as gentle and kind as maybe I could have been.  Or I just deemed them unimportant, and it don’t matter and cut them loose. I probably talked crap about them and caused other people not to trust them or care for them much- ha, as if I really had that power.  But note: out in the using world, people are easily manipulated.

     In recovery and in my faith, I have had to relearn a different way.  Even the bible says to confront the people who do you wrong and then to forgive them.  Seventy times seventy even! That’s a lot of times, the only one I can think of who has needed that must forgiveness from me in this life is my son.

     So, the question remains, do I forgive someone who I only “feel” like they are doing me wrong or treat me differently? I mean if everything really is copasetic should I rattle that cage? Or let God and time take care of it? Or ignore my feelings?  These are tough questions. 

     Another solution: work my steps! I was told when I was new that any problem, I can ever come up with has a solution in the steps.  Even that nudging feeling that something isn’t right somewhere? Yes! Especially those nudging, gut feelings.  In the steps we dig deep and let God reveal the issues to us that we need to be dealing with.  Step four especially is good for this at an in-depth level, but Step ten, which is part of our daily maintenance steps, will provide some insight for immediate situations.

      If I still find that I cannot straight up identify what the gnawing feeling is, then I can try steps one, two and three.  Give it to God, because I am definitely powerless over it, step two, give it to God so I can have some sanity- or more sanity in this situation, in my life in general.  Step three, trust Him and give it all to Him.   They tell me more will be revealed, and so if I am ever to know what the real problem is, then it will be revealed in God’s time, not mine.

Question of the Week:   Do you have a “gnawing” feeling that you are not quite sure of?  Feelings that something is amiss in a relationship, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Have you ask them about it only to be told “everything is fine”, but you know it’s not.    What do your instincts tell you?