Blog for March 21st 2022.
Feeling Worthy
Last week I wrote about a bug, the recovery bug. But this week, I actually picked up some kind of virus bug. Ugh! No fun. No fun at all. But through it all, my husband took such good care of me. His love and attention helped me immensely. Because of him, I could relax and just lay there and be sick and wait for it to pass.
There are times when I don’t feel deserving of such love and attention, of such care and help. I don’t know why, after all these years of recovery (and marriage) I still feel unworthy of such love and attention. I have been hearing a lot about how much God loves us and cares for us too. Even this morning I sat in on an NA zoom meeting where everyone talked about how good God is to them.
Then later, I watched a show about the Purpose Driven Life where Rick Warren says that God is love (which I know) but that all He wants (God) is for us to let Him love us! Wow! What a concept. This may revolutionize the way I think about things. Things like, not feeling worthy or necessary. Or like feeling that people judge me and don’t like me.
I mostly am ok with all that, but there are still times that this negative crap sneaks back into my thoughts and feelings. If only I can remember at those times to let God love me. I wonder what that would be like? What would it feel like?
Starting with my husband, of whom I love more than anything, I feel like he really does love me, and I have learned to let him. I’m talking about at the deepest levels, deep into our souls. So, If it’s possible for me to do this with my human being husband, maybe I can also let God in like that too?
I’m not talking about me remembering that God loves me, I’m talking about “letting Him love me”. The difference could be life changing, for me at least. I am going to pray about this and give it some more thought.
When I first got clean I only felt worthy of punishment. I felt lower than dirt, undeserving, even of recovery. But something- or someone, kept me coming back. I surrendered to the idea that even I could have a better life, that even I could somehow become a person of worth and value. Was that letting God love me?
If so, then why can’t I remember to do that still, in all situations? Quit being so hard on myself and judging myself so harshly. Just let God love me and move about my life. Acting like the child of God that I am. Acting like a person who has years of recovery who is proud and grateful for the life and blessings that I have found in my recovery.
I’m still not real sure what I am or am not worthy of, but I am going to be more mindful of letting God love me.
Question of the Week: Do you feel worthy of a good life? Of God’s love? Of Recovery?
