Definition: The expression “the elephant in the room” (or “the elephant in the living room”) is a metaphorical idiom in English for an important or enormous topic, question, or controversial issue that is obvious or that everyone knows about but no one mentions or wants to discuss because it makes at least some of them uncomfortable and is personally, socially, or politically embarrassing, controversial, inflammatory, or dangerous.
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The idiom is commonly used in addiction recovery terminology to describe the reluctance of friends and family of an addicted person to discuss the person’s problem, thus aiding the person’s denial. Especially in reference to alcohol abuse, the idiom is sometimes coupled with that of the pink elephant, “the pink elephant in the room.”
The Elephant in the Room
I don’t know about ya’ll, but in our family we had a big ol elephant in the room at our Thanksgiving gathering. It’s almost an art form to avoid the truth and what’s really going on, especially when the problem can be a matter of life and death.
Not addressing the real problem and letting things go on as if everything is fine, status quo, is nothing short of crazy. Yet, it’s so very common among addictive families that do not want to wake the sleeping bear. Families that don’t want to “break up the band” so to speak.
It’s real hard to try to address that elephant in the room when everyone around him or her is there to protect the elephant to make sure it’s not disturbed. Then they can continue to go on in their addiction as if everything is ok. No one has to look at their part in the addicts using and downward spiral.
They ignore all the signs, all the flags of a life in jeopardy. A failing life that is crying out for help in not so obvious ways and yet, it is very obvious. Especially for someone like me, sitting on the outside looking in, Someone who has been there and lived through it,
I do know about the elephant, the big intrusive animal right in the middle of our living room. He stinks, he poops, he destroys the furniture and knocks holes in the walls. He adds tension and an unspoken fear to the home that no one there can identify. They don’t want to try to force him out, because he’ll destroy the house trying to leave. He doesn’t fit through the door; he doesn’t listen or follow direction. That’s why the family just ignores him. Just let sleeping elephants lie, as the old saying goes about dogs.
Check out this chart about the parts of the elephant in the room. Starting with 1. Denial, it’s at the top, it’s the main problem in all addictions. Denial is the main thrust in the whole issue. The enabling family is virtually saying that its ok for the addict to continue on as they are, with maybe a few adjustments here and there, maybe a few promises about this or that, like, not use so much so often and the very so famous saying, “I’ll quit tomorrow”. I’ll quit when… the baby is born, or when I get that job, I move, I graduate, I do this or that. The enabling family will help by agreeing that by cutting down and controlling their usage will be their new plan. They addict says I’ll just drink after work or weekends and quit taking drugs.” Their denial seems to make everybody happy- for a while. 2. Ignorance. The thing is, they just don’t know. They have no idea the harm they are causing their addict by going along with his schemes. 3. Diversion: this is something like “look over there, a squirrel”. Let’s look at some other issues going around. Or how about we take that big vacation we always wanted or go buy a new car or move. Anything to take the attention off of the addict/the elephant. 4. Silence: Let’s just don’t talk about it, period. 5. The Trunk is tagged in the picture, not sure why except maybe the elephant can move it around and cause more damage in the room. 6. Awkwardness: to say the least, tipping toeing around an elephant in your living room is very awkward. 7. Avoidance: Well, yea. Who doesn’t want to avoid an elephant in the living room. The addict will avoid getting help because they don’t really want to quit using. The drug has them convinced that it’s necessary for them to keep using or their world will fall apart and indeed it will. 8. Reluctance: Who wouldn’t be scared to change everything about them?
It’s absolutely amazing how much the disease of addiction can cause such denial in the addict and the family around them. Enabling, denial, avoidance, they are strong and deadly. If you have a loved one that is using and deep into their disease, it’s time to stop the stepping around the elephant and get the addict and the family some help.
Question of the Week: Is there an Elephant in your living room?