Blog for September 4th, 2023
The Pay Off
The other day I was visiting a friend in another town, and we went to a meeting. A very good meeting. I found myself sharing on the topic they had and one more time heard myself talking about the “pay off”. I have shared this from time to time throughout my recovery and now it’s truer than ever.
Since today is Labor Day, I am thinking about all the workers. The people who keep this country moving, despite the odds against them. I am also thinking about the work that has to be put into living a clean and sober life, a life with pride and dignity. A life of being self-supporting.
The simple fact is, I would not have stayed clean and worked on my recovery for these thirty-eight years if there had not been something in it for me. A pay-off. Because I don’t believe any of us get here out of the goodness of our hearts, we got here (into recovery) out of a strong need for survival, being as desperate as the dying can be. Many of us were sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I was always looking for “what’s in it for me”? I came here (recovery) with attitudes of the world owing me since it had done me so wrong. I already had my “feelers” out for what is this recovery stuff all about and why should I stay clean? What’s in it for me? Why would I do that? Because I thought total abstinence was crazy. After all, I was having so much fun out there in this crazy world. Feeling like a piece of crap all the time.
The only pay off I had while using was not to feel feelings and an excuse for being irresponsible. But I got much more than that, I got mixed up in illegal activities and always ducking and hiding. I went through relationships like they were chips. I felt lost, without cause, I certainly did not do right by my kids, mom, or family. And I was getting ready to lose the first relationship that I cared anything about in my life for a long long time.
They say recovery is like playing a country song backwards, because you get your life back, your relationships, your kids, your house, car, job, health and so on. But there’s much more to it than that.
I got back so many things and things that I never really had; it was only an illusion. I got some dignity, integrity, caring about myself, my health, my goals, my dreams. I got back caring about others, not just my loved ones, but others in general. People caught in floods, earthquakes and fires. Women with children who were homeless and had nothing. For the sick and dying and victims of life’s circumstances.
My “pay off” is not just a stable life. Because I had gone back to school and got a job I really liked. I was able to work until retirement which has been a huge blessing. Having reliable cars, insurance, and a home that we paid off. Having family and friends that I love and care about.
But by going to meetings, working steps, and working with my sponsor and sponsee’s I have gained an insight into myself and my relationship with my Higher Power that is far beyond any riches or accolades I could ever imagine. I have a God that loves me, no matter what and takes care of me, even when I do really stupid stuff.
I have an understanding of my self and my relationship to my God and the world around me that is far more valuable to me than anything else I could imagine or dream up for myself to be a success. I am a success. I have self-worth and a lot of love. I do care about others.
As I age, and that alone is a big blessing, but as I age, I do have some heath concerns, but overall, for my age and considering my past lifestyle, I have been blessed. Staying clean and in recovery certainly does have its pay offs. Another benefit of staying clean and in recovery, working on myself, my thoughts, behaviors and actions through step work, it that I have been able to deal with great loss and sadness. Maybe not perfectly, not brilliantly, but with the help of my God and a support group I have been able to move on, even when I thought the pain was unbearable that I couldn’t go on. That is a gift. It is a bonus really, a result of step work and getting to know me and my God. Learning to let go.
One my biggest payoffs (blessings) of my life is watching my kids have better lives than we did. My oldest grandson is in town right now, he came for his good friend’s wedding and he will be coming by to visit us today. He recently graduated medical school and is doing his residency at a hospital that is quite a distance away, so it’s a blessing to get to see him today.
I believe it is a blessing to have and maintain friendships from childhood, throughout life, like my kids and grandkids have done. That wasn’t the case when I was growing up, we moved a lot. Like three or more times a year, I could not hold onto a friend. Or many possessions for that matter. We always had to leave our things behind and we moved in the middle of the night.
Since I have been with my husband, we have lived in the same place for forty-two years. And I have accumulated way too much stuff now. I have a hard time letting go because of my past. But the choice is mine and that too is a pay-off, a blessing.
The “pay-off” is great around here, you will get things you never dreamed possible. Not just stuff, not just clean time, but real recovery and a life beyond your wildest dreams. I am not done chasing my dreams and goals, I hope I never am, that’s part of the pay off.
I have an indescribable warm, fuzzy, comforting feeling only God can give me. Mine comes from His Son, the Holy Spirit. It has taken me a long time to acknowledge and recognize this fact. I believe, for me, this is the true bottom line, my connection with my God. He says it’s a gift and we don’t have to work for it, but just like all the people this Labor Day that had to work for their stuff, so must I in order to maintain my recovery, my life and dignity.
I don’t mean to make it sound easy, it has definitely not been easy, but it has been much easier than staying out there in my disease and insanity. It has opened up doors and let me fulfill so many dreams. Yes, there is indeed a “pay-off” to staying clean and sober. Many payoffs.
Question of the Week: Have you thought about some of the pay offs you have received in your recovery?
