BLOG for March 10th, 2025
Heart’s Desire ( My Story)
Well, first of all, yes, I’m wearing my glasses to write this. I had ended last week’s blog wondering if I would need them to write this today, because last Monday I had eye surgery. I had cataracts, and he removed them and then put in a fancy new lens. It’s only been six days, but I thought I’d see better by now. Anyway, time will tell.
Due to my eye surgery, I could not do a lot of things, but I did continue to clean out my closet and the memories also continued. I couldn’t shower or wash my hair, so I stayed home mostly. I only went to my women’s bible study and to order my daughter’s birthday cake. I am trying really hard to mind the doctors’ orders. But I am happy to say, I did shower today. Whoo Hoo.
During this week of staying home so much I watched a lot of TV, and I heard on one show a father talking to his son and he asked his son “is that your heart’s desire son?” It doesn’t matter what they were talking about, what struck me was “the heart’s desire” part. It got me to thinking about my own heart’s desire and if I have led a life in search of it- my heart’s desire.
I suppose, first, one must know what their heart’s desire is. What do you think your heart’s desire is? For me, I’d say it has changed a few times over the years, perhaps many times. When I was a little girl, I wanted dolls, then Barbies, bikes, dogs, friends, clothes of some popular style and then, lo and behold, a boyfriend. I got all of that. But I also wanted to go somewhere over the rainbow, due to the song from Wizard of Oz. I also wanted to fly like Peter Pan. I bet you’re thinking, “well that never happened”. Oh, but it did, when I started dropping acid!
Sorry, I hate to tell you that, but that’s what happened. Next thing I know, all I wanted to do was get high and party on whatever, and so… I did. Until being with my boyfriend, George, and having kids became my heart’s desire, and so, we did. Raising them to be healthy, happy people became my desire, but I was already well on my way into deep addiction. I tried. I tried to be a good mom, but drugs aren’t ever gonna let you do that. Until finally, one day, I had a spiritual awakening that I did not want to continue living like that and dragging my kids through pain of my drug use.
I had tried to get right with Jesus, I went to church, read the bible and even got Baptized when I was using. I went to many of the Jesus revolution tent revivals. Sometimes high. The thought of it makes me so sad now. I was hopeless.
Finally, when that spiritual awakening came, I did get clean, not that day, but I started trying and three months later, April 1st, 1985, I finally, truly surrendered and since that day my heart’s desire has been to stay clean, be the best mom and wife I could and to carry the message of salvation and recovery. We married when I was three months clean. And my heart’s desire has been being fulfilled ever since. He is forty years clean, in twenty-two days I will have forty years clean, while I am traveling in Alaska! That was another heart’s desire to travel. And in June we will be married forty years!
If that’s not a miracle of fulfilling a heart’s desire, I don’t know what is! And all I had to do was surrender. Wow! I am not saying it’s all been hunky dory, and everything has been rainbows and roses. We do have six kids between us and that has brought on many heart breaking, frightening and joyous situations. We both have sisters, and I have a brother. In our lives we’ve lost our parents, children, siblings, many sponsees and friends and family. Life is not perfect, or easy. We’ve both worked hard and tried our very best, I don’t care what you hear from our kids, that’s the truth!
It’s also been my heart’s desire to spare my husband of any kind of pain as well as our children. To spare my nieces and nephews the pain of losing their moms and other family members. To spare our kids and grandkids the sorrow and pain of not getting, keeping or having something that their hearts truly desired. But it was not to be. I can only pray and then comfort and give some encouragement.
During my life in recovery, I have had many other, smaller desires, all of which have been driven by the biggest desire, to do God’s will and stay clean, to be happily married and healthy. Finding out who my real biological dad was and finding my blood family is also a fulfilled heart’s desire. Making our home a cozy, comfy, clean place to live and thrive is on the top of my heart’s desire these days. But the smaller desires have given purpose to our lives. Going back to school and getting a degree was a heart’s desire, being healthy and getting a good job. Sponsoring women to the best of my ability and sharing experience, strength and hope with them and others is still a heart’s desire. Helping and being with my family and friends. Going on vacation and traveling. Photography and of course, way at the top, writing.
Just being a good person, a loving, kind and giving person and getting along well with others. With whoever God decides to put in my life. I have failed at that, but not by much, I have learned that not everyone is my cup of tea, and I am not theirs. It is not God’s plan to have me change my entire personality for certain individuals and then back again to the real me, nope, He says, “to thine own self be true”. And I believe that is how we will know our hearts’ desire and live it out according to His will. Amen.
Question of the Week: What’s your heart’s desire?
