Blog for June 27th, 2022
Honesty and Amends
This last week had a few ups and downs of it’s own, just like most weeks around here. The boy went to camp for the week, we went on a little trip ourselves with our oldest grandson and his family. It was great to be with them and their babies, but our plans were thwarted due my dis-honesty. Another lesson learned.
I had rented us all a cabin for a couple of days for four adults. I did not mention the babies or my little dog. None of them were welcomed. My husband and I ended up staying with some friends in the area and took our dog with us. It all worked out due to our friends being so kind and generous.
My husband kept saying “honesty is the best policy”. I know that’s right, but at the same time I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong, but I sure paid the price for it.
Also, this week I had the honor and privilege of working steps with a couple of sponsees. I love to do that. It is wonderful to watch the light come on in them and have a front row seat for their spiritual awakening. What happens during the process of “working” their steps with them is that I get to go in-depth with the step they are working also, which does my personal recovery a world of good.
It is good for me to talk to other mothers about their kids and about their parents. This helps give me insight into my own parent/child relationships. I will tell you right now that I am not the best mom in the world, made tons of mistakes and continue to do so. I have made my amends to my kids and tried to live a different life and be a better person. Yet, I’m still not perfect and my mistakes of the past and present are lorded over me. That is a painful experience. To continued to be brought up on charges that you have paid for already is not only painful, but also exhausting.
But to be perfectly honest about the whole thing, there is truth to the accusations and there is also some BS involved. People tend to make more of the plights in their past than it really was. I’ve been guilty of that myself. But working the steps, being in recovery and taking a hard look at myself- constantly- has helped me to put some past experiences in perspective.
No matter how I perceive my past, my childhood, it is what it is, and I try to heal and grow and let it go and just learn from it. I quit blaming and shaming (my mother) a long time ago. But that’s what the steps and recovery has done for me. In dealing with children that do not have a “program”, not working on their own healing that is, the blame and shame continue. Never ending. That’s not so easy to take.
So, what can be done about it? Well, starting with looking at my own actions and motives, I can get honest, make my amends if needed, and clean up my side of the street. Of course, I pray first and ask God to intervene with these relationship issues. I ask Him for guidance and help in making the amends and sitting things right. It is always a great relief to clear the air and amend the problems as best we can. I can’t go back to the past but I can apologize and try to do it differently now.
It is a most painful thing to acknowledge my part in my child’s pain. I hate that I ever caused any of them pain. It is not what I set out to do. But addiction is a selfish disease and can cause us to do things we wouldn’t ordinarily do. Still, I must be honest. I must be honest with myself, my God, my children and anyone else I have harmed.
Yes, “Honesty is the best policy” they have always told me. And I certainly believe it, but you know, when you do something wrong and do not want to be found out, we cover up our mistakes with lies. “Oh, I didn’t know I couldn’t bring a dog here” or “really? What I said hurt your feelings? I was just teasing; can’t you take a joke?” Honesty is not always all that simple.
Sometimes, honesty can get someone hurt. Even yourself. I have lied to protect others, such as “she’s not here, I don’t know where she is”. It seems once I told a lie, it was easier to tell the next one, to make up stories and excuses. It tends to leave you always feeling unsettled, in the wrong and not right with God. Next thing you know, you’re lying to yourself. Therefore, when your adult kids tell you painful things about the past, their childhood, it is pretty hard to take. But I must be honest with myself about it, acknowledge their truth, their pain and make my amends best I can. Only with God’s help.
Question of the Week: Have you gotten honest with yourself and made some amends? How did that feel?
