Blog for October 10th, 2022
Reflections
“Another day older and deeper in debt, St. Peter don’t ya call me, cause I can’t go, I owe my soul to the Company store.” Sixteen Tons, by Tennessee Ernie Ford.
I got that song in my head. I think because of my birthday. Another day older, but in that one day it jumps to a year older. Still, I am grateful, I have many friends and family who have not lived as long as I have now. I am grateful to be “another day older”. I don’t know about you, but on birthdays and New Years Day I reflect on my life. Asking myself “what have I accomplished? Why did I waste so much time on drugs, parties, stupid crap? Am I doing God’s will now?
I reflect on my life and try to make sense of it all. I know I’m not responsible for the years from birth to seventeen. Seventeen is went I left home, mom. I started using drugs at twelve and used for 18 years. I got clean at thirty-one and being in recovery has given me some direction and purpose.
I was able to keep my stuff together enough to go back to school and get a degree that got me a job that I think made me a useful person on the planet earth. Not a big deal, but it was something. And I have tried to live my life by spiritual principles ever since.
That doesn’t mean I never had a bad day since or I haven’t been hurt and treated badly. I have hurt others, mostly unintentionally, but I’m sure I have. I try to watch that and make amends as needed. As I reflect on the harm I have caused since I got clean, I see that it was mostly out of ignorance and arrogance. Ouch, I don’t like to say that.
Reflecting now (during my 37.6 years clean), I see where my self-will run riot behaviors may have caused others to be hurt. I think of times I wanted to start, change or govern a meeting in some way. I thought it was for the good of the group. But, that would be up to the group, not me. I can honestly say that I tried to watch out for my behaviors to not get like that, but somehow, they’d just slip in when I least expected it.
Family matters are a source of great reflection for me. For my husband and me, it has been a roller coaster of emotions all these years of parenting and grand parenting. We have had beautiful, wonderful, awesome times and memories with our kids and grandkids. We have also had great hurt and pain. It’s been a constant challenge of learning, re-learning and re-grouping to know our place in the lives of these kids. We get it wrong a lot, but we keep trying.
I think that’s the bottom line, no one is perfect, but if you keep trying, keep letting go and letting God, we may find our way through this life with as much happiness as is humanly possible. With as less heartbreak and pain as possible. Sometimes, it’s a big order to let go and let God. Not always easy, but keep trying anyway.
- By the way, referring to the song lyrics, I was starting to get deeper in debt, but by hard work and letting go of bad spending habits, I have been debt free for years and intend to keep it that way.
Question of the Week: When you reflect back on your life, can you see where you kept trying and hung in there? Are you Letting go and letting God take your burdens?
