Blog for October 31, 2022 Boo!
Don’t be scared! Lol. First of all, I hope everyone stays safe and has fun today. Don’t eat too much candy and beware of spooks and goblins everywhere. When it comes to candy, you (me) need to know when to say when. I’m sure there are many things we need to keep an eye on to know when enough is enough. Anything from food, to work to toxic relationships.
As I mentioned last week, my nephew (in-law) had a stroke and I drove the 570 miles to go be with my niece. Of course, her three grown kids are there plus her sister and brother-in-law. I did as I said I would last week, I just wanted to be there. Be there to love, hug, hold hands, cook, clean, visit. It was a long trip by myself to go there and back again. But I’m so glad I went and I’m grateful I was able.
The thing is, being there for others is probably the highest calling there is, and it is an honor. But at some point, we need to know when to say when. I’m not talking about me and this trip. I’m talking about all the times we have all put ourselves out there to help others only to be met with resistance or people who will suck the life out of you if you let them. Some will take and take and take, as long as you keep giving and giving. They see you coming.
I know firsthand how hard it can be to decide if you should continue doing and giving for others. Especially those who are so ungrateful and come to expect it from you. You will never get a minute to yourself, much less a day. And if you do, it’s because they went off on some fun trip and left you so drained that you do not have it in you to go do anything. Does any of this sound familiar? I could be talking to the codependents mostly right now.
There are as many scenarios to these situations as there are codependents and enablers. Everyone must come to their own terms on how best to deal with people who use and abuse you. That doesn’t always mean physically, it can be a neighbor, friend or relative who nickels and dimes you to death. It can be an adult child who still thinks you should pay their bills and give them whatever they need or want, no matter the cost to you or the fact it leaves you without some of your own basic needs.
Stop it! Learn when to say when. Know when to listen to your own mind, body and spirit and be kind to yourself. It’s ok to help others but be mindful of when you are enabling and when you are hurting yourself (and them) to do so. Boundaries are a good thing to have in place even before a situation like this arises. But in the case of our adult children, the situation has been brewing for many years and all boundaries have been crossed, ignored, or never used for many years. This is a hard one to break.
If you’ve never set boundaries before, or even thought about it, start now. Here are a few ideas to think about when setting boundaries with people who would like to use you.
First, you must ask yourself what you want. Such as, a friend who will be a friend, friendship should be a two-way street. Whenever I notice I’m in a “lopsided” relationship, I start pulling back. Maybe you would like a grown child who is independent and does not want to drain you just because they can. And how much of your time and resources you are willing to give to others. Be very aware of your resources, time, money, energy, and coping abilities. Maybe you want time for yourself to take a class, take up a hobby and enjoy it instead of taking care of others.
You need to write all this out. If there is verbal abuse involved, gaslighting, manipulation or snide put downs, arguing, and complaining, you would do well to determine to tell them it’s not ok to talk to you that way. Make a plan: to leave the room or place when they are talking bad to you. Quit helping if they continue to be abusive or demanding. Remember- abusive comes in many forms. You must be sincere and stick to your own boundaries. You can protect yourself and change the scenario without even notifying them. Simply quit giving money, rides, help and when they pressure you perhaps you can say something like, “oh, I was busy”, “I have too much to do today”. “I’m just not able”, you get the picture, there are a lot of easy excuses and statements you can use.
- Be Clear & Honest: Communicate your feelings, give examples of the behaviors that concern you and how it makes you feel and the impact it is having on you.
- Be Firm: Do not be wishy washy. Make it easy for them to understand what you are saying and how you feel and what is and isn’t ok. What you are willing to do and not do in helping them?
- Say No: If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. Do not be pressured into something you’d rather not do.
There is a lot of information on the internet about setting boundaries. And about knowing when to say when. It is easy to find. If you are tired of others taking advantage of you, if you are saying “when” right now, then seek help for yourself. Codependents anonymous, Nar-a-non, Alanon, counseling, there is help out there if you want it. Or try reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie. I know her books are about becoming codependent to addicts and alcoholics, but my sponsor had me read one (it was a re-read for me) in dealing with my grandson. You can apply her ideas and methods anytime you are feeling that you are being used or mistreated- by anyone.
Question of the Week: Do you need to set some boundaries?
