Blog for November 27th, 2023
Delivered
It was a nice, calm, peaceful Thanksgiving. I loved it. I had my kids and three of the grandkids here at my home with my husband and me. All was well. The next day I took the three teenage grandkids to jump on trampolines, Micky D’s and a movie. The movie was based on a true story, and it touched all of our hearts: “Next Goal Wins”.
About a losing soccer team in American Samoa, and a reluctant, loser coach sent to help them. Another reminder that even when life is beating you down and you do not feel, look like, or strive to be a winner, there is always hope. “Where there is life, there is hope”, has been one of my most favorite sayings for as long as I remember, ever since I first heard it. I still cling to it.
At times, I feel like that beaten down soccer team. Other times, I am praising God and thanking Him for such a wonderful life. It is indeed difficult to always stay cheery and happy. I am always grateful though, even when I am sad, disturbed, perplexed, hateful, upset, and angry. Behind all those awful feelings, I know that I have been delivered.
I have been delivered from a life of drugs and alcohol, from degradation, fears, insecurities and feeling unloved and unwanted. I have been saved for the purpose of being an example and telling others that they too can be delivered.
I was told early on in recovery that my feelings are not really all that big of a deal, because they will pass, they will change. If I am feeling happy and content, hang on for a couple hours or days and it will pass. If I’m feeling sad, hurt, betrayed, unloved, – hang on a couple of hours or days, and it will pass.
I think that was what using was all about, to hold on to a feeling of euphoria, or at the very least, to not feel painful feelings. I hear many addicts share the same thing. I am not alone. And that… is a good feeling.
Perhaps it’s the holidays that cause a little more sensitivity this time of year. Having expectations on the whole scene, on family and friends. I try to keep those feelings in check, but try as I may, they sneak out anyway. My other choice is to medicate them away, no thanks. I will feel my feelings and pray through them. So far, in the last thirty-eight years and eight months my feelings have not killed me yet. Just felt like I wanted to die a couple of times, but it passed.
Today, I feel like I need a meeting, but I am not feeling well enough to get dressed and go into public. My bones and head ache, I’m tired and dismayed. But it is ok. I will put HALT into practice, well, I’m certainly not hungry, we still have Thanksgiving left overs. But the angry, lonely and tired might be kicking in.
I was taught to watch for these signs, those feelings that have the potential to take me out. When I spot them, as I do now, then the remedy is first and foremost, prayer. Work a step, call my sponsor, or someone else who cares about me and my recovery. Write and do something that lifts me up. Whether it’s one of those cookie cutter Hall Mark Christmas movies, watch a stand-up comedian show, or do something creative that makes me happy, you know, like write!
Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? The magic is in the doing, pushing through and sometimes, maybe it’s a sad movie or music that brings those feelings out and into the open. Crying is cleansing and healing too. These feelings do not have to own me, or you or stay a long time, they are part of a process of healing. Sharing them is important.
One of the best ways I know to get past them is to go help someone else who is also having problems, probably worse problems than me and then I see what a big ol baby I’ve been. But that’s ok too. Just don’t dwell there too long, it will turn to self-pity and that is the recovering addict’s worst enemy. This too shall pass. I’m so glad my predecessors knew that ahead of me and pounded it into my head! Thank God
Again, I have been delivered countless times. Saved from myself, so I can get/reach One more Goal.
Question of the Week: Have you been delivered? From what? How many times?
