Blog for May 20th, 2024
Sicker than I am Well
I have had a couple of rules of thumb when it comes to sponsoring someone of whether I will continue to sponsor them. One red flag is whenever I notice that I am working their program harder than they are. And the other rule is- If they are sicker than I am well, then neither one of us stands a chance. There may be a couple of other reasons, like honesty, stealing (from me), that will determine if I continue to sponsor them. I do not like being lied to and I cannot help anyone who is not honest. Through the steps we will work on them learning to be honest with themselves.
Then there are those who love being sick, they might look like they are putting in a little effort to their recovery, but do they truly want to be “recovered”? For some, they think that hanging onto some of the “sick” will serve them somehow so that others will feel sorry for them, tend to their needs, or let them slide on responsibilities. And that’s the kind of sick I cannot abide with. Not after we’ve put a lot of effort into helping them get better, but sometimes, wallowing in the mud feels good, comfortable and familiar. They know how to “work it” so that they will be excused from adulting and crazy behaviors.
But the sicker than I am well has come to my attention lately, but in a bigger way. Not just with an individual, but with a whole group. Actually, I had done the math about our local group and found that we are unevenly stacked between newcomers and people with some clean time in recovery. We are severely disproportioned, there is not a balance of recovery, not even close.
Say for instance we have twenty people at a meeting. Out of the twenty, eighteen will be newcomers, which is like one day to two years. The other two people in attendance might have anywhere from 10 years or 25, and then me, 39. We only have about five people over ten years that come on kind of a regular basis. See what I mean, it’s very unbalanced. With those kinds of numbers, that also means we have pretty much just have newcomers running things.
So, as you can see, for me, most of the meeting is newcomers and of course, they have not experienced a lot of recovery yet. There is no blame or shame in that, I say thank God they are here, but meanwhile, the message of recovery is not very clear at such meetings. I sit in meetings where they are overwhelmingly sicker than I am well.
From time to time in my recovery time I’ve had to “reinvent” myself, my recovery and how to survive. So, recognizing the fact that I was in meetings with all newcomers I wasn’t getting a lot of recovery out of the meetings. Don’t get me wrong, I love newcomers and they remind me of where I came from and keep me grateful. Welcome newcomers, welcome!
But there has to be a balance, and so I had decided to go to a different fellowship the other night and omg, it was so refreshing. There were a few newcomers but most of the people had a few years and even several years, like twenty plus and more. They shared so much recovery, I felt uplifted and relieved and that’s where I thought about how I have been going to too many other meetings where they are sicker than I am well.
This road of recovery can take many twists and turns and I have had to learn over these years to go to where I am getting “fed”, hearing a clear message of recovery. That is super important for a recovering person, I don’t care how much time you have, it is important, always.
There will always be newcomers, I hope, and people who are sicker than I am well, but when we can collectively offer recovery to them, that’s when the magic happens, and they will find their way into a life beyond their wildest dreams. It is so wonderful when that balance is in our rooms of recovery. The old timers need to hear and see the newcomers, to remember how it was and that it’s still not working out there.
The newcomers need to hear a variety of people with a variety of time. So that they can hear that it’s possible to stay clean no matter what and that addicts can and do stay clean, one day at a time, no matter what. That should give them hope to keep coming back.
But when there is not a balance in the rooms, it becomes more than a lot of us with time can bare up under. That’s why it’s important for people who have been clean for a while to keep coming back. And, more importantly, for myself at this time, it’s important for me to seek out meetings like the one I attended a few days ago so I too can keep hearing the clear message of recovery. Or I may become the one who is sicker than all the rest put together!
Question of Week: Are you dealing with others who are sicker than you are well? What can you do about it?
