Grief & Healing
Another week of working on healing. Just when I think I’m doing better, I have a setback. I’m talking about my ongoing sciatica issue of course. It is a bit better, but I still have a long way to go. The point is to keep on living in the solution. Always. I am doing everything the doctors suggest and then some. My main goal right now is to be well and strong enough to go to my sister’s funeral tomorrow. It’s a two-hour drive, and a lot of sitting and driving, which is bad for this condition, but I don’t care, I’m going no matter what.
The thing is, I really don’t want to, but I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’s just so hard to let go and say goodbye. I want to be with my nieces and nephews, her children, and with all my family, but it’ll be so hard-emotionally. I want to be an emotional support to them. I have so many memories flooding me already. My brother is also flying in and I’m happy about that, I’m so glad he’s coming. I hope I can sit with him and my daughter. They are my emotional support.
I’m starting to get butterflies in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I just want to sit and cry, but I am holding off, as best I can. I know we are all in this together and my sisters’ children are all hurting a lot. What can I do? The only thing I know is to pray and to “be there”. Just being there is a sign of love and support, I learned that in the program, and throughout my recovery I have always followed these simple solutions, because, I have no other.
I have learned that “just being there” is a language of love and support like no other, no words are even necessary. Maybe a good, loving hug also. I have no magic words, no wand to wave and make it all better. In fact, why would I want to? Pain postponed is pain worsened. And then we miss out on the experience of feeling the strong, loving feelings that God has intended for us humans to know and feel. I think it brings us closer to our Higher Power to feel our feelings and let Him comfort us and help us learn to become more loving and kinder to others. Because those of us who have experienced pain, are more able to have empathy for others in pain.
I was told that early in my recovery, that the hardships and painful things we go through will enable us to be there for other people who go through the same kinds of hardships. Which has proven to be so very true in my recovery. I can relate to a lot of different people’s trials and hurtful times and so I get to share my experience, strength and hope. Heavy emphasize on HOPE.
My niece just sent me one of my sisters’ tapes from 1993 at a convention in Denver. I have not finished it yet because I started crying – uncontrollably. I’m more than halfway through, and boy, is it bringing back memories. Not to mention gratitude. I am so very grateful for her, for her getting clean and then leading so many of us in our family into recovery. Amazing. I am forever grateful for her. Even before recovery, Shirley has always been special, her personality is one of a kind. She often found humor and hope, where I thought it was all doom and gloom. She loved us, her siblings and of course her children.
If you have someone in your life who led you into recovery and they are still alive and, in your life, it would be awesome to reach out to them and tell them thank you. Let them know the difference it has made in your life. I wish I would have done more of that. I got so busy in my life that I dropped the ball, not thinking about all that. But I’m revisiting them early days now, in my grief, gratitude and missing her, I sure am feeling it now. Today is her forty-five years of clean time. Wow! What a miracle she was. What an inspiration! Thank you, Shirley, I love and miss you.
Question of the Week: Who twelve-stepped you into your recovery?
