Love: An intense feeling of deep affection. (noun) A great interest and pleasure in something. Attraction based on sexual desire: affection and tenderness felt by lovers. An assurance of affection. Warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion. Love can also be a verb: Cherish, caress, “I love to play the guitar”.
OK, I’m just gonna put this out there right on top, there’s no hidden agenda here. I am not an expert on Love or Domestic Violence, however, I have been around awhile and worked in the field and sponsored enough women to know a little something. At least enough to know that it’s a problem and where to go to find out about it and where to go for help. I want to talk about Love in all it’s forms, starting with, domestic violence. I know it’s not the first thought that comes to mind when you think of love, and of course it’s not what the victims thought it would be about either. Also, I’m not saying that all abuse happens when someone is under the influence of alcohol or any kinds of drugs, however, it is more often than not the case, so it needs to be said and brought to the light. I am going to insert some links with stats and facts regarding domestic violence. https://assets.speakcdn.com/assets/2497/domestic_violence2.pdf This one shows the national stats. All of them that I found say about the same thing, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men are abused every twenty minutes in this country. We can look at stats all day, but what I always want to know about a problem ( a horrific problem) is, why? How does this happen? And what can be done to stop it? Why does the abuser abuse? Why does the victim put up with it? Is this love? Why is the victim attracted to the abuser? How does this start? How can they recognize a potential abuser?
An article on Verywellmind states ” Domestic abuse is not so much about a “loss of control” as it is about total control.” It goes on to say that many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators, but as victims. Sometimes, batterers go into treatment for their abusive problems, the article states that when they do, they are “heavily armored with elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions”. In other words, for all the time they have been abusing someone they are also justifying and making up reason, excuses why they had to do it. Also, there is the faction that believes it’s their “right” as men to dominate women and children, those who are weaker than them. This thought system can come from culture, religion and their own upbringing of course. If it was done in the family they grew up in, then, it’s what they too will do. Research has found some common threads among abusers: 1) They were abused as children. 2.) They watched domestic abuse as children. ( which is a psychological abuse to the children as well.) 3.) They are insecure. 4.) They feel socially inept. 5.) They believe they have to use “force” to keep a partner. They do this through manipulation, degradation, control, beatings, fear, verbal abuse, One batterer who had gone to treatment said ” the beatings, the verbal abuse, and the intimidation were all about control. It was having a new toy. I had the buttons and I could make her whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel powerful”.
The Abuse Cycle: Build-up phase– tension builds. Stand-Over phase-verbal abuse increases. Explosion Phase – a violent outburst occurs. Remorse Phase- You shouldn’t have pushed me, it was your fault. Pursuit Phase_ It will never happen again, I promise. Honeymoon Phase– See, we don’t have any problems. and then the cycle repeats and with each repeat, it gets worse, more and more dangerous until something happens or changes. This is common and familiar cycle and yet, once you’re in it and you can recognize it yourself, you’re trapped. Or, are you? First of all, let me say this, there is help for the batterer, but, it can be very difficult to find. Not a lot of tax dollars are spent on the perpetrators. But there is help and hope for the victims. National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1800-799-SAFE (7233). There is a lot more to be said and understood about this subject, but make no mistake, this is not love, this is control and the need of some with low self-esteem to elevate themselves as a person in control. Drugs & alcohol not only help mask the emotional pain that the batterer is in, it can also be the cause of letting loose of those inhabitations and acting out in violent ways they might not have other wished exhibited. In my childhood, my mother often married men with just such traits and hang ups. She wanted to help fix them, why she had this malady of hers is for another discussion, but it’s not uncommon among women who are looking for love in all the wrong places and women who have a lot of love to give and want to help others, but do think they deserve the same love? Not usually.
I didn’t want to bring ya’ll down on Valentine’s day, it’s meant to be a joyous, loving occasion and I hope you all have a wonderful day, being with the one/s you love. My Love & I have been together for a while and we just hugged this morning and said I love you, Happy Valentines Day. No card or chocolates, no flowers, lol. But I know for a fact Jack that he loves me more than the young man giving his new girlfriend or new little new wife (with stars in his eyes- as it should be) a big ol Valentine’s today. Time and life will test their resolve to this commitment. Neither way is wrong or right, it just is what it is. We’re past that, I know, we shouldn’t be, but just for today, it’s ok, we will probably go out for a dinner and a meeting later, if we can find a baby sitter. I’m not trip’n. I love that there is a day dedicated to Love. Old and new, but really, for us, we love each other to the moon and back, every single day of our lives and try to show it ever day. Not by spending money on each other necessarily, but by, cooking for each other, helping with a project or something the other one needs. Love is an action, we all know that, it’s about giving and sharing and doing and being.
Heck ya we’ve been mad at each other and ready to walk out a time or two. You can’t take two crazy addicts with six kids all total and keep them in this little house for nearly forty years and not expect us to have an issue or two. But the great thing is, thanks to our shared faith and each of us working our own program, we’ve work through our problems as they arose. This is gonna sound super corny and cliché, but… our love is stronger than our problems, so far.
My husband has a great sense of humor and I believe it’s our humor, love, faith & working a program that has kept us together. We share a lot of the same values and beliefs, but not all. We’re having fun in recovery and living a life beyond our wildest dreams.
My last thoughts of Love, are really my first. My first love is God. Without Him in my life, none of my other loves would even be possible. Well, they wouldn’t be healthy and loving. I might still have my kids kinda in my life, but it’d be so crazy. With my Higher Power and His love & guidance I’d be so lost. All those times I wanted to walk, I’d have done it. It was so easy for me to leave people when I was using and disconnected from my God.
Faith and the love and care of my God give me a sense of peace and belonging. A comfort in the fact, that no matter what I’m going through, it’s going to be ok, that I’m ok, as a person. I did not use to feel that way, I always knew I was lacking in looks, brains, social skills, money, health, you name it, I was lacking in it. I had zero self-esteem. But my Lord tells me that I am worthy and He loves me no matter what, so much so that He even died for me! That’s a crazy lot of love. I still have a hard time with feeling worthy. Some days I still have a hard time trusting Him with everything, but not much anymore, The more I go through, the more I see He is always here for me and cares. That is a love that you can’t buy, there’s just not enough chocolates and flowers!