Blog August 2, 2020
Accepting Help
OK, we’ve all been there. We come up against a problem that we cannot easily solve for ourselves. But dam it! I don’t like to depend on other people. I do not like to admit defeat or weakness. If I can’t do it, then forget it.
April 1st 1985 was such a day that I finally threw in the towel, hollered “Uncle”, waved a white flag and gave up! Ok Ok I thought, I do, I really do honestly need help. I cannot quit on my own. My life was in tatters, I was tore up from the floor up. These days they say “hot mess” a lot and that would be putting it mildly. What I did was admit defeat and surrender, but it was a surrender to win.
As our lives (mine and my husband’s) continued on throughout recovery we became stronger, more independent and able to handle life on life’s terms and deal with all kinds of issues and problems of a dysfunctional family life, illnesses, financial crisis, jobs come and go, kids come and go, our neighborhood also has had many challenging times, as we still live in the hood. Through it all, we use our God, our steps, our recovery and deal with it.
That one day in 1985 was only the beginning of asking for help. Next, I ask someone to sponsor me. Then I ask for phone numbers of other women who cared about me and my recovery. Then I became a part of committees that helped to promote recovery in our area and beyond. Which meant, I had to ask others and depend on other people/members to help in that process. I became “we” and that means depending on others.
I learned to depend on my husband as well, before I got clean, I would not let him parent my children. We got married when I was three months clean and it was after that that I started working on letting him be a parent to my kids, telling him when I needed help with something and trusting him. In fact, for me, getting married was a huge leap of faith. It was just one more of those things where I don’t trust anyone, and didn’t want help with anything, much less someone controlling me. I needed to be free unto myself!
Man oh man was I so far off point it was ridiculous. I had believed the lies that I heard in songs, movies, friends and up in my own head. I had been part of a “movement” in the sixties that I only now understand how much I was following instead of being the free spirit I thought I was. It’s laughable. And sad.
So, I guess asking for help is a good thing, right? Then why oh why is it so hard? By surrendering and asking for help it has been the life line that I so dearly needed.
As time goes on, and as my husband and I age, we find that we must once again surrender and ask for help. He has always been so strong and so able to fix anything and everything that breaks around here. I have always been strong too and able to clean my house in no time. One afternoon a week deep clean and throughout the week some daily chores plus worked two jobs and took care of kids, went to school, meetings, church, committee obligations and family obligations.
Now, I’m lucky if I deep clean one room a month! Do a minimal of daily chores, and no committee involvements to speak of. I do however take care of a little boy and my husband, to the best of my ability.
The whole point of this blog is to say, we must reach out and ask for help on matters that we use to easily handle ourselves. It’s humbling. It can also feel embarrassing. It’s also difficult to admit weakness. It seems to take a certain kind of strength to reach out. Letting go of what we can’t do so easily and accepting help.
Since April 1st 1985 I have been asking for help. I ask for feedback and have taken advise all of my recovery and continue to do so. I have learned that I do not need to suffer alone or struggle over things that I could so easily ask someone for help with. I am so grateful I got over my ego and learned that there is often much more strength in surrender and admitting weakness than by trying to do everything myself.
There is a scripture that reminds me to reach out and look up. Psalms 121:1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains- where does my help come from? Vs 121:2 My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.
Ain’t that cool? It’s ok to ask for help!
Just for Today I will have faith in someone who cares about me and my recovery. Amen
Question of the Week: Is it difficult for you to admit defeat and ask for help? Are there some things you do want help with, but not other things?
