Did I mention that my husband and I had some counseling last Fall and into the Winter? Yep! Sure did, we started while our precious little grandson was visiting his other grandma. My main objective was to get a handle on myself during this pandemic, lockdown, and how to handle our sweet boy and his virtual schooling and bad attitudes. We were all starting to lose it and I know it was mostly hard on him. That’s why I let him go for a visit to his other grandmas. It helped, some.
Our counselor, a man we’d never met before and whom was an MFCC and pastor of a church in another town. He was recommended to us by our pastor. He was great, I remember his first question to us was “what seems to be the problem?” I told him the short answer is Covid. He said, “You are not the first family to come to me with this issue, many people are struggling with being locked down and staying together 24/7/365, especially with the virtual schooling. Yet, I knew that at my house, I was the main catalyst. I had to get a grip.
As we met over the span of about three months, we – or rather I, was given the opportunity to get a new perspective on things, an attitude adjustment if you will. Also, the time apart from the child (which I hated) helped me to clearly see that I love this boy so much and I want to do the best for him and be the best for him.
The best piece of advice I gleaned from all of our talks was “show him grace”. Yes! That’s exactly what I need to do! There were other helpful points, but this was my main take away and it’s the phase I say over and over again when I’m ready to lose it with him. I have worked hard to watch my tone and my voice levels, it’s not always easy. I don’t do well with children talking so disrespectfully to me, so it’s a tough one.
Still, as we all know, we’re all trying to do the best we can in this awful pandemic, losing friends right and left, not being able to see other family and friends who mean so much to us. And trying to get him through the sixth grade with some new knowledge. (I hate math!) lol
As I try to practice giving him grace and helping him navigate through this time of insanity, I have taken that philosophy one step further and have been applying it to my husband, my son, sponsees, friends, even unto myself at times. I believe this to be a life changing message for me at this time. Maybe I knew about it in some other form before, but at this point in life, it’s just what I needed.
I have always applied this idea to newcomers and children, for the most part anyway. Or, in other words, I lower my expectations, and have a much higher tolerance for them, because if I’m not careful, I expect too much from others. My son – still practicing addict that he is- has always been quick to tell me that not everyone, him especially, can live up to my standards. Which, in his case means getting and staying clean (35.11 years so far). I tell him, “don’t do it like me, but just do it!”
Still, I need to show grace. What does that really mean? Well, according to Wikipedia, “Grace”, in the biblical sense means “the love and mercy given to us by God”, not that we got it coming, but He wants us to have it. So, that means, even when the kid or anyone else (the people I especially care for) act out in ways that I find offensive or disturbing, I can just show them grace by not retaliating or acting out along with them. This does not mean to be a doormat for anyone, you need to set boundaries and know the difference.
What does grace look like? Well, it’s me keeping my mouth shut at the moment, it’s me walking away and doing something different. Or, it can be me responding calmly (uh huh) with a soothing reply or solution for their troubles. It’s me, remembering that they are “going through it too” and need a measure of grace just to let them vent, state their disagreeable opinions and whine for a minute. We all need an opportunity to do that from time to time. If not with the people who you love and trust, then who?
It is me just letting it go. Count to ten or I can quietly say a prayer and not respond, at least, not with anything challenging or hateful. Not with anything that will flame the fires of their discontent. When I am able, I like to use humor to re-direct and calm the situation.
Another thing I heard during that counseling time was, “he doesn’t have an anger problem, he has a pain problem.” Although I know all about his pain of being abandoned by his addict parents, I wasn’t considering that when we argued about his school work. Plus, he went to counseling for about four years, he had bad tantrums when we first got him and so the counselors would always work on his “anger issues”. Wow! Isn’t that the truth! That could be said of probably 95% of kids that are acting out in anger.
So, heck yea, show him grace. Give him an extra measure when he is acting his worst, he is still a child. My son is still caught up in his addiction and doesn’t think right either. My husband has medical issues, hearing loss and other frustrating and debilitating old age problems. We’re just not who we use to be when we were younger, huh!
My friends, sponsees and other family members have all had their share of problems over this past year and they too need grace, mercy and love more than ever. We’ve experienced so much loss; we lost another friend two days ago, ☹ Every week I seem to say that! Not all die from Covid, some die in other ways. Nearly everyone on the planet is in grief from all the loss we’ve had.
So, I say yea, “show them grace”. If we ever needed it on this planet, now is the time. But also, give yourself some grace. You are doing the best you can with what you have to work with. We are all trying to hang in there. Don’t give up! Not on you, not on the kids, not on yours or their recovery, not on this world. Humans are so frail and imperfect; we really need a lot of grace! I’m glad God is the ultimate giver of grace and mercy.
Question of the Week: Who do you need to show some extra grace to?
