Blog for June 7, 2021
Fragments: noun-A small part broken or separated off something. Verb- break or cause to break into fragment. Adjective- reduced, broken off, detached from the whole, something different, disconnected or incomplete
Things that are fragmented.
Pottery, glass, ancient shards (archeology digs and finds), some critters, lichens, sponges, flatworms, sea stars. Organizations, families and relationships. People’s memories, thinking, health, concerns, wants, desires. Land, property, things, paper, homes, jobs, stories, recovery.
Fragments
Just a little understanding of what fragmentations can be about. However, my main concern is really about the bits and pieces of our lives. Our whole life. The life before addiction, during and after, on into recovery.
After thirthy-six years clean it’s not always easy to put all the pieces together and connect the dots. Especially of life so long ago. We try to make sense of it all and sometimes we get it and other times we don’t, it simply eludes us. Why? Maybe we have a memory block for one reason or another, the pain of memory is too great, so we block it out.
Or maybe because we were too drunk or loaded to remember what happened. Maybe we were having black outs, even when we were sober for a while. That has happened to me. It’s almost like an out of body experience. If it weren’t for others telling me about the things I’ve done in a black out, I would have no recall at all. Kinda scary.
I have fragments of memories of those addiction days. I also have had a lot of fragments popping up in dreams and unsuspecting memories when I’m just sitting here, driving, busy with mindless work, like watering the yard or cleaning. Memories have been coming to me in pieces, this has been happening for many years of course, but lately, there seems to be a part of my mind, memories that have been tapped into due to the death of my sister.
Losing another person who has known me all of my entire life leaves me with a sad and very lonely feeling. I only have frgments of memories, pictures and some videos to be reminded of the life that I’ve had with my loved ones.
Within the fragments, bits, pieces and glimpses through photos and videos my life can be connected to simulate a complete and whole life. I don’t mind looking at the “old days” and I love looking at the recovery days. My “recovery days” are full of my grandkids. None of my grandkids have ever seen me loaded. So those memories bring me a lot of smiles and joys.
Trying to piece together a fragmented life can be a melancholy challege, with happiness and sadness intertwined. It can also be disturbing and painful. Especially when we look at those using years and the harm we had caused or was caused to us. But that’s why we work our steps and leave it to God.
Just as broken glass, tile and pottery can make such a beautiful work of art that can dazzle the eye and a patch work quilt can beautifully represent the pieces of a life and also give reminiscing comfort in more ways than one, so can the fragments of our own life.
I am hoping to be able to piece together and find a whole life lived through these fragmented memories. Of course, it has been a whole life and I’m not done yet, it’s just my own memories that need to be sorted out. For no one other than myself, if my children find my fragments pieced together then so much the better, hopefully, a legacy of recovery and a life well lived will be evident.
In recovery we get to pick up the pieces and move on, healing our past behaviors and relationships.
Question of the Week: Have you been trying to put the pieces back together? Have you found the fragments of life can connect and make sense of your life?
Footnote: as my husband and I re-read this, he said it reminds him of a Willy Nelson song “Phases & Changes”- yep, it sure does. For me, I was reminded of a Kenny Wayne Shepherd song “Everything is Broken”