I know I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it a few more times before it’s all over with, what a week! And I don’t really mean that in a good way. My best friends husband died on Thursday, after four days in the hospital with Covid pneumonia. The next day I hear that my cousin’s husband died the same day and she died the next morning, just hours after her husband.
Meanwhile, we are praying hard for an awesome friend that’s been in the hospital nearly three weeks on the ventilator, I am afraid for him. I am concerned and heartbroken for all of them. Especially my best friend. She is so shattered. I have been grateful that her son went and stayed with her during this tragic time. She was worried about him coming, because he too is still using and can cause her problems, like my son does.
Still, he hopped on a plane and flew down to see her, she lives in Arizona and he lives near Portland. She asked him to stay clean while he was there and he has, as far as I know, except for a couple of gummies on the fifth night. But he has been a blessing to her in this very difficult, unbelievable time. I hate to see him leave tomorrow. He is her only child and now, she will be all alone.
As far as my cousin goes, it’s a strange story, but let me begin by saying, she hasn’t talked to me since March 2020. Just before my cousin, her brother died from a brain tumor. In my opinion, it was a very stupid reason, but she can be stubborn. I texted her on New Year’s Day and told her happy new year, quit being mad at me. She never responded. I think it’s silly and sad. Now she is gone.
I tried to reach out to her but no reply. I don’t know why people have to be like that. She and I have had a pretty good relationship most of our lives. Her alcoholic dad, my uncle, left her with his sister and her husband when she was about five. Before that, she’d spent most of her time with our grandparents. She didn’t have it too easy either. They were very strict. She was disconnected from all her other siblings and life was rough.
My family was not all about, “oh poor thing, let’s get you help and counseling, let’s help you heal and sort through your issues.” No. They were more like “Buck up and do what you need to do and quit whining.” No sniveling, no snitching, no tattle telling. Move on, deal with it and get over it! None of that coddling stuff for us.
I tell you all that to say, maybe her life wasn’t that easy and marrying a crazy alcoholic that died young after they had five kids left her with no time to think or heal. I guess I would like to be upset with her for not responding to my New Year’s message and helping us to mend the little silly fight we had, but it just wasn’t to be.
I found out early in my recovery that I did not want to live a life of regrets and I when I attend a funeral or lose someone, I can say that I did my best to share recovery, hope and love. My recovery has taught me all that, for which I am very thankful. It will keep me from becoming a bitter old woman. Which is not how I want to spend my last days on the planet.
The last words I said to her was “I love you” in a text. The last words I said to my dear friend Russ was “I’m glad you’re feeling better, just get all well, I love you guys.” I cannot go back and re-do the past, I’ve learned that lesson many times the hard way, so always leave my loved ones with an “I love you”. That was so clear to me, the last words to my sister Susie the night before she passed away on December 8th and to my niece on December 27th (lymphoma) and my mother, were “I love you”.
It was my last words to Bilbo, our dear friend that laid dying in a convalescent hospital, my husband was Bills executor and had to make sure they honored Bill’s decisions not be put on a ventilator. I said a prayer and told him I loved him. I did the same with Chuck, and my good friend Eddie. These are all of my husbands sponsees that became very dear friends. I miss them all so much. But on my part, I have no regrets.
“Let the dead bury the dead and you carry on to tell of God and His kingdom”. Luke 9:60. To me, this verse is saying, “let them go and you get on with the business of living.” I have been widowed before and I can tell you, it is not easy. Losing parents, siblings, close dear friends that are closer than family, the healing can be difficult and long. Everybody is different and works through it differently or some will wallow in it.
I think I wallowed in it when my husband died, I wallowed in the drugs and I brought me and my kids down a lot more than I already was. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the twelve-steps for helping me heal and grow. For the program for giving me like minded people to share my pain and struggles with. For my faith, my God for the direction and the healing into a healthier, more abundant life. Through it all, I can still say, “God is good”.
As I process all the loss this week, and by the way, there were others, my cousin that died, she had a nephew die in a house fire last week-end, and yesterday at a store I ran into a guy I use to babysit, his mom was one of my best connections, he told me his uncle Billy had died the day before. That was as a result of years of serious abuse to himself with drugs and alcohol. He was a mean, cruel guy and it seems his people are relieved he is gone. Wow! I pray people don’t feel that way about me when I move on to the next world.
As it is, my heart is broken for my friend, for a beautiful life lost, that would be my friend Russ. A very talented, loving man. Played guitar so beautifully, he played in the worship band at this church, he was funny, kind and caring. He always prayed for me and my husband when we needed prayers. My husband sponsored him back in the day when he lived here in town.
But it is my best friend that I am most concerned with. I wish I could go see her, hug her and help her. I want to help the one still living, still struggling and in pain. But she is still covid positive and the germs are all over her house. I cannot risk bringing that back to my husband, it would kill him too. I hate Covid!
This is my sweet boys last week of school before Christmas break and then he’s changing schools. I am tired of the bullying that happens at that school and no one does anything. This week is finals and he’s hanging on by a thread in a couple of classes. He needs me now. As the verse says, “let the dead bury the dead, and you must get on with your lives.” In other words, I need to tend to my own little family right now. This is not a time to leave them to go on a mission of mercy, my precious husband and my adorable grandson are my mission right now. Healing begins with me allowing my God to help me through it, not to ignore, not to stuff it deep down, but feel all these feelings and then give them to God. Recovery begins in the home. And as someone once put it, “love the ones you love and take care of them.”
Question of the week: Are you dealing with loved ones who are in pain, who need you and who face the loss of loved ones? Maybe you are the one who has lost someone recently and are struggling with the pain, hurt and loss. How are you doing? How do you cope? God bless you all. I’m praying for everyone.